So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I see more hoeing in ur future
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