So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
