I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
