Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
