why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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