I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
