I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
