Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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