I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
