Umm I'm too high to move.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
