Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
