haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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