i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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