i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
