My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
