that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
