I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
