you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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