If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
