I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize