I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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