just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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