Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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