I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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