Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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