He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
