Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
