no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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