I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
