Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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