but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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