all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am mentally ready for anal.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
