just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
