what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
