There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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