have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
