can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
