White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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