i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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