Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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