You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
