it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Never underestimate the power of titties
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
