Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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