I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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