I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
