I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
