What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
