I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
