Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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