Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
