Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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