You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
