I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Woke up backwards on a recliner
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
