I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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