she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize