I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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