I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
