Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
