Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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