i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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