You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
