and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
