I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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